My two and a half recent commercial ventures have proven failures. It wasn’t all my fault. In one case it was pure bad luck: The Thailand Bullet Proof Garment, or better known as a bullet-proof-flack vest, BPFV.
The Thai vest project was a rock solid concept whose time had come, a customized stylish bullet and stab proof vest in multi-shade colors offered to the Bangkok public for only $39.99 with free deliver to your door anywhere in Asia. The security garment could to be used for protection by ladies, gentlemen, and children in Thailand during their period of political upheaval and violence. It was just starting to take off when the military coup took place and demonstrators and others began feeling safe. Of course the market for bullet proof vests practically collapsed.
These were not just any old style bullet proof vests that you see the miliary and police SWAT teams wearing on TV, they were really something special you’d be proud to don and own. For the ladies we had choices of multicolored fabrics including Subdued Pink, Chartreuse, and Arab Spring Orange, in sizes to fit any frame, tiny to pudgy. The ladies have a selection of flower and animal designs like roses or a frisky pussy cat. If desired, and we recommend it, the name of the wearer be tastefully embroidered on the front and back should one get wounded in a skirmish and taken away, the hospital would know who the person was. Wearing these artistic vests has an added safety feature, not normally considered, no soldier in his right mind would want to shoot an attractive lady dressed so fashionably in one of our vests.
For the men the anti-bullet and stab vest is pretty much standard, although we recommended a name and cartoon figure on the front, a mean dinosaur, a popular monster, or a vicious English Bulldog stenciled or logoed and with a similar scene front and back. The name prominently displayed would allow the shooter to know exactly who he was trying to kill and get a chuckle at the cartoon at the same time. The choice I offer to men is actually limited, and like Henry Ford, “You can have any color you like providing it’s Black.”
The Second enterprise was a flop. When I sent promotional photos around the Internet, the product was poorly received. The item a reasonably priced swimming pool for the elderly retired. The down load showed an old gentlemen siting in a cramped wheeled plastic trash container with an insensitive, some say vulgar, comment under the promotion: “if you fart it doubles as a Jacuzzi.” The scheme and its reception was so bad, I had to promptly cancel the order with the Hong Kong manufacturer, but still I got stuck with a 100. The only bright spot was when the word got around, I got e-mails from Arab Detroit and the ISIS in Syria to take them off my hands at a cut-rate. I’m considering it although delivery and security will be a bitch going to either of those two addresses.
Nevertheless, despite these past marketing problems I’m introducing a new product because I want to persevere and for the first time in my life want to succeed in something, something. Well, through contacts with the CIA at Langley and the ISIS offices in Alippo, I have purchased 5,237 used black ski masks once worn by al Qaeda like insurgents in Syria and Iraq, (Actually from the same guys who want to buy my cheap swimming pools for the elderly) Be assured The souvenir cloth masks have been laundered, sanitized, pressed, are like new, and further sprayed with a military-type perfume scented to make you feel you actually were a part of the action. Each gayly packaged souvenir mask has a card enclosed with a story of danger and intrigue experienced by the original fanatically insane Muslim wearer.
Yes, temperatures have turned hot in Syria and Iraq, and so after only a few days, a week at most, the insurgents discard their masks for fresh ones so there are thousands more lying around on the battlefields. Seizing the day the two agencies mentioned above have joined forces in a rare form of cooperation both realizing the opportunity to make a few moonlight dollars collecting these al Qaeda alike masks and are willing to support my profitable franchise for the long-term. The price, you can’t go wrong $89.99 register mailed to your home or office. Obtaining the mask can be dangerous, and I cannot exploit the CIA or ISIS like I can helpless poor children, they’ll kill me you understand. Catalog is still in print for this item.
I understand the collectors will bale the masks in the field and evacuate them by the latest means, the CIA’s state-of-the-art vertical landing drone.
You may have questions concerning these enterprises, well I’ll answer them. First how do you sell a sturdy fashionable custom bullet proof vest for only forty bucks. Answer, the material comes from rural China, and the article is put together for you by very young girls and children in Cambodia and Bangladesh. The material and wages for one vest come to about four dollars and thirty cents total. However, do not hesitant to purchase, it’s all in the unique engineering of the product. We have qualified, skilled, retired ex-Korean ferry-boat captains closely supervising the work.
Secondly, Why do you charge $39.99 for a quality bullet proof vest, and a cloth al Qaeda mask at $89.99? (I think this is a repeat question?) Easy answer, I cannot exploit the CIA or the ISIS like I can innocent hungry children. They’ll kill me.
Thirdly, how do I get the American CIA and the fanatical ISIS to cooperate? Oh Neophytes that you are, they have always cooperated with each other in the shadows. The objective of both organizations, like the Pentagon and the Mosque, is similar in that it is to keep the American public and rank and file radical follower fearful, fearful in order to manage and control them. In the U. S., the word is there’s a terrorist hiding under your bed ready to pounce; while in the Middle East its the West attempting to eradicate the entire Muslim religion. You see it’s all in the message they want to feed the public. Fear! So far the strategy is working pretty well. Besides, It’s good for business and the Media.
All the best
Rogue Journey Asia 1935-1975 is a disaster: Vietnam Journey, Ten Years in Vietnam, is okay. Both are available on Amazon.com and in some misled book stores in the U.S.